Y Friday, June 05, 2009Y
Sister's in Australia now
2:33 AM
After going through all the trouble, my sister is finally in Australia now. Whether will she be back, I'm not too sure. Since my mum and her father is there, I see no reason for her to come back to Singapore, unless she really really can't get use to the environment there. Seriously, though having her in Singapore was really a chore, and that most of the responsibilities of taking care of her lies on me, I still missed her.I heard she's really bored there. Basically she stays at home the whole day. yah, my parents are working during the day, and she's somewhat alone at home. Their housemate's wife is there now for vacation, so there's actually someone to take care of my sister during the day. However, I heard that the housemate's wife is leaving within a week or so, which will then leave my sister all alone if if the adult is not around. According to the previous flight booking, my sister is due to return on the 24th of June. My grandaunt and grandma is supposed to visit my mother on the 21st of june, and return with my sister. However, due to health problems, my grandma is unable to proceed with the plan, and thus my mother and grandaunt came up with another brilliant plan; to ask me to replace my grandma for the visit. This is totally logical for them, but absurd for me.
Seriously, I have my own plans of finding a job and do stuff for the June holidays, not to fly to Asutralia whenever you want me to. Is it really hard to understand that I do not only have the responsibilities of a daugther to fufil? Deep down, I really wonder why am I always the one. My mom definitely has more than one child, but most duties were directed to me. If she were to allocate jobs properly, I wouldn't have felt the pain. But well, she wouldn't have thought that she's asking me to do too much stuff. And whenever I voice out, she would be very very very upset that I don't understand her. Which makes me really hard to convey my thoughts to her. Anyway, she's my mother, so I am always indebted to her no matter what. I really hope this thought can be sustained for as long as I live, as it would be a pain to quarrel with her.
Y Tuesday, May 26, 2009Y
End of another Torment
11:49 AM
Congrats to another end of my semester. At this point in time as I write, I'm waiting for my boyfriend Willie to arrive. Yes, much have changed and had happened. In fact, from my previous post, I NEVER had imagined myself to be in the situation I'm in now. ok, one thing at a time.First, my school work, again. Right now results aren't out yet, and it's supposed to be out this coming Friday. Yikes! I'm not pinning hope on anything extremely good, but please don't make my CAP drop. This semester was as tough as the previous ones, but in many different ways. It started out as a honey moon period where there were rather few things to do initially. However, the horror came after the semester break. It was way off control. Tonnes and tonnes of projects deadlines just squeezed within short periods, tutors increasing their expectations gradually, and we were all stretched to our limits. That's not the worst, try having flu, cough, fever (high fever), sore throat, gastric flu bla bla bla with all the projects, it was A GREAT HELP TO MY PROGRESS. I almost died, literally, during the last few weeks of the semester. My body is now so meatless that most of my long-time-no-see friends stunned at the sight. Seriously, the end of the semester saved me from hell. F*** that tutors that planned the studio. Can't they cooridnate themselves so that we don't have four project submissions in a week and at least 2 submissions for 4weeks in a row?
You see, that's why I don't expect much of a high grade from a poor sickly me. However, I hoped my grades doesn't drop or I can't apply for financial aid for my exchange... haix.
Ok enough of school work. Let's talk about the situation of my family now. My mum went overseas to Australia with her husband to work. My youngest sister is left in Singapore at the care of her god-mother, so she doesn't live with me anymore. So the resulting fact: I'm living alone with my two brothers in a HDB now. Who would have imagined that just a few months ago? Well, it's not that we are not an independent bunch, so things are settling down now. I'm like fully in-charged of all the admin and financial stuff of the family.
My mum treats me like a Singapore-based secretary, and I have to represent her in Singapore. Meaning: whenever my sister is sick, I have to be there that instance like she would; whenever my mum's friends want to meet my sister, that'll be my duty to bring her there too; for any financial transactions required, the ATM card is with me; if there's anything she needs in Australia that's still me to buy and send over to her. yes all by myself. Don't ask me what my brothers can help, I'll be glad that they just stick to their share of housework. My mum just thinks I'm good at doing all those stuff so she ALWAYS asked me, and she thinks that her sons won't do the job so... yah, it's me. If I'm really free, yes of course I'll do it. But please, having the workload in school? and she's still forcing me all the way from Australia just to get HER THINGS done. She didn't even know that I'm sick or vomiting gastric juice the whole night, but just keep checking on whether I've done her stuff, and only her stuff.
When I told her that I'm sick, all she did was to blame me for not taking care of myself. Yes, I may be a workaholic, but at least that's my way of dealing with my work. Before she left, we already had conflicts on how I handled my life. She just keep suspecting the reality of me working overnight in school, and keep preaching about how I should eat home more. Her reasons was "girls shouldn't hangout so late regardless the reason." So she wants me to hack care my work? sometimes I really don't understand what's she's thinking. But well, I am something she won't understand too. so no matter what, I'll still help her as I feel it as a responsibility that I should fufil as her daughter. Yes, treating all her requests as a duty to be completed, as long as she doesn't quarrel with me about my life.
Ok, due to time constrain, I shall stop here. I'll mention about Mr. Willie next time. lolx
Y Friday, December 26, 2008Y
argh. why why why.
12:15 AM
Getting a range of Bs has always been a norm ever since i've gotten into University, and it wasn't really very demoralizing for me since i've already convinced myself that i'm just a B- to B+ standard student. So what if my 8MCs studio got a B or B-, i don't really feel sad unless i see a C. But this time, it's different. I almost cried over that grade i got for my studio.Thinking back on the amount of work that i've put in for the project, and how i struggled on the path to an impossible mission. In the end, i made it through and made an impossible idea into reality. I thought it was pretty obvious that it was a great struggle for me to pull it through, but apparently, it wasn't. How silly of me to believe that it was a great project. Mr Christian even wanted to put my project in his book. Though it was cumbersome with the photoshoot and everything, deep in my heart i felt honoured that my teacher choosed my project. MY PROJECT, the lovely project that i've spent endless nights just to find a solution to make it into reality. For a moment, i was so proud of what i've done. I almost cried when my project was done. This time, the thought went through my mind that maybe i could get an A for this, even just an A- would be good enough. Reality smashed right onto my face: I got a B-.
This is the worst B- I've ever got. For the first time i really really feel that i can get a good grade, yet i've gotten a grade that is worse than my previous semesters. It was as if all that i've done was bullshit in the eyes of my tutors. TOTAL BULLSHIT. yes, it was foolish of me to believe i can do it this time, it was definitely mulfunction in my brain to even had that thought. Ridiculous and total insanity! now i'm more assured about my abilty. A lousy grade suits my ability. Maybe i'm just not cut out for industrial design. Why should i even bother to build my passion for it when it was SO APPARENT that it's not my cup of tea?
Let time flushes away all the disappointments and emotions that i'm feeling now, till my sky turns grey, so i no longer feel for my projects. As of the start of school, projects are assignments to be completed, not a part of me. it used to be like that, and it will continue to be.
Y Saturday, December 13, 2008Y
slack
2:07 AM
i'm slacking like nobody's business now. slacking till i become an old granny, slacking till i hate myself. i don't like who am i now. sounds pretty stupid but i guess something is wrong somewhere in my life that i really feel irritated by it. it's like i've been really wild about life recently, going out and meeting up with friends. that sounds really fine, i mean it's not that i'm those unsociable human beings that prefer to stay at home rather than hanging out. however, something is wrong. i don't know why and the reason is yet to be found. my life is weird now, and i don't know why. i just hate myself now, and there's nothing i can do about it.
Y Thursday, December 04, 2008Y
super sian of com center job
12:54 AM
i really really dono how to quit com center. i'm fine doing the drawings during my holidays, but during the sem? it's no way i can cope. given the amount of work that i'm recieving this semester, i doubt i can cope with the increased workload for the next semester. is there a problem with his ability to understand? am i not clear enough in my words or what? I guess i'll have to email his superior directly for this. Please don't say that i didnt give you any chance to react. i've messaged you a long time ago, and you refused to take my words and find a replacement. now, i shall email your superior directly to inform my stand, I SHALL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR DRAWINGS ANYMORE! I know i may sound kind of irresponsible for quitting, but i guess you need to know that there are different priorities in different people. OBVIOUSLY studies and projects are more important to me than your work. i shall finish my last bit of work that i can help you, but that will be the last of it. hope you undetstand my position. it's not because the pay isn't attractive, but it gets really tiring to have to draw something when you haven't even got time to finish what you REALLY have to finish. please, leave me.
Y Wednesday, November 26, 2008Y
ironically
7:17 PM
i felt SO much better after the mindless rambling. maybe it was stress due to exams, or maybe coz of anyting else. i totally can handle his messages now. they don't make me angry anymore. i don't think negatively anymore. his messasges, or maybe his existance doesn't affect me anymore. this is a good sign. :) Now I know the good thing about ending things early, you will get over it early too.Things now are better for me. I guess my life is going to be only about work, and I doubt anyone will understand my postion completely, or will be willing to accept who i am. So in order to not put myself in the same situation again, it is best for me to not accept anyone before i graduate. this sounds totally insane, and appears that i'm still affected, but I'm pretty sure I'm sane now, and my thoughts are logical.
Who in this world will accept someone who can't spend much time with him? True love? please be practical. there are definitely a certain degree of affection in a relationship, but it requires more than that in a relationship. hard to put it in words, but I choose my own way. good for me, I can now fully concentrate my work.
Y Thursday, November 20, 2008Y
Hope no one reads this.
1:17 AM
I hope this blog will be buried in this little world of mine, coz it meant to be really really personal.It kind of surprized me that the broke up still affects me. Over unoccupied times, I would think back on every word that you said that day, how it hurts me, and how stupid I feel over what I've done for you. YOU IDIOT. On the day that I met you after we quarrelled (thought technically speaking it's not a quarrel actually), you never tried hard at all to keep the relationship. "It was a mistake that we began", hello?? who are you to say that? are you saying that you realize that confessing to me was a mistake after I accepted you?? what the fuck. i feel so stupid, shouldn't have accepted you, i shouldn't have tried to make you happy, i shouldn't try so hard to find time for you, i shouldn't have done ANYTHING for you. YOU and your STUPID REQUEST made me do something SOOOOO STUPID, yet what is your response? I don't like you enough to tolerate ALL YOUR HURTFUL COMMENTS! do you think i'm those kind of girl that will gracefully accept everthing that you said that day and cry alone in the dark at home MYSELF? sorry, I not a xiao nv ren, neither am I going to tolerate your nonsense. you are too much. AND i don't feel your sincerity in your apology that day. you are just saying it cause you HAD to. I guess what affects me most out of everything now is that how could i ever EVER let you even close to my heart. All the efforts that I'd put in the relationship is seen as shit by you. SHIT. why should I always think in your perspective when you aren't worth me doing so; you don't RESPECT ME AT ALL. you are just imagining a perfect partner that will obey and go by your perfect imagination of what a perfect relationship would be like. sorry, I'm not the girl you are looking for. oh man, how can i get over this stupid feeling that I'm feeling right now. YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. you are contacting me now coz you are bored with your NS life. which makes me feel even more annoying over myself for being an entertainment to your boring NS life. YOU ARE JUST FINDING A COMPANION, YOU DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE ME. ARGH!!! I FEEL SO STUPID!!! ARGGGGGGHHHHH!! no wonder you said all those words, coz you don't like me for me, you wanted me to be YOUR TYPE of girlfriend, NOT ME. mother fucker. i really wonder this feeling was generated from extreme sadness or over extreme hatred. Tell you the truth, we can NEVER be friends again. So I hope God tells you to stop messaging me and stop contacting me as if nothing happens. Something happened, and it's not going to go away. I will remember all the stupid moments the moment I see you, all your messages are only telling me one thing "YOU ARE BORED OF YOUR LIFE AGAIN". why do you only message me when you are having night duty? coz you've got no one else to message to right!? coz you hope that i'll entertain you again right? no way, i will not do it anymore. i will not be mercy with guy like you who treat me like shit. what a MCP asshole are you, you son of a bitch idiot. Do you know I seriously find you weaker than me? You are not capable in many aspects yet you are trying to act MCP? not that i cannot accept a MCP guy, but at least you should make me feel that you are more capable than me before i can "submit" to you. but no, you are a MCP without capabilities. And I can give in to you as much as i can tolerate, coz i feel that one can never get the perfect one that you really want in life. but THAT DAY you went overboard, stepped over the line, INSULTED ME. ok, that's it. GAME OVER. you happy now? since it was a mistake to you after all. since you said "if I really liked you that much, I would have ran after you that day when you ran away." oh ho, MCP. fine fine fine, don't expect me to entertain you ever again. EVER EVER. i'll TRY to smile if we inevitably meet someday, but don't expect me to be friendly or even cared about how you life's going coz I DON'T CARE EVEN IF YOU DIE.
please leave me in peace. I just want to get over it. get over this stupid feeling, AND STOP THINKING ABOUT WHATS DONE AND OVER. ARGH! WHY DOES IT AFFECT ME!!
Y Tuesday, May 06, 2008Y
sick today
6:30 PM
tomorrow exams. shit