Y Wednesday, November 26, 2008Y
ironically
7:17 PM
i felt SO much better after the mindless rambling. maybe it was stress due to exams, or maybe coz of anyting else. i totally can handle his messages now. they don't make me angry anymore. i don't think negatively anymore. his messasges, or maybe his existance doesn't affect me anymore. this is a good sign. :) Now I know the good thing about ending things early, you will get over it early too.Things now are better for me. I guess my life is going to be only about work, and I doubt anyone will understand my postion completely, or will be willing to accept who i am. So in order to not put myself in the same situation again, it is best for me to not accept anyone before i graduate. this sounds totally insane, and appears that i'm still affected, but I'm pretty sure I'm sane now, and my thoughts are logical.
Who in this world will accept someone who can't spend much time with him? True love? please be practical. there are definitely a certain degree of affection in a relationship, but it requires more than that in a relationship. hard to put it in words, but I choose my own way. good for me, I can now fully concentrate my work.
Y Thursday, November 20, 2008Y
Hope no one reads this.
1:17 AM
I hope this blog will be buried in this little world of mine, coz it meant to be really really personal.It kind of surprized me that the broke up still affects me. Over unoccupied times, I would think back on every word that you said that day, how it hurts me, and how stupid I feel over what I've done for you. YOU IDIOT. On the day that I met you after we quarrelled (thought technically speaking it's not a quarrel actually), you never tried hard at all to keep the relationship. "It was a mistake that we began", hello?? who are you to say that? are you saying that you realize that confessing to me was a mistake after I accepted you?? what the fuck. i feel so stupid, shouldn't have accepted you, i shouldn't have tried to make you happy, i shouldn't try so hard to find time for you, i shouldn't have done ANYTHING for you. YOU and your STUPID REQUEST made me do something SOOOOO STUPID, yet what is your response? I don't like you enough to tolerate ALL YOUR HURTFUL COMMENTS! do you think i'm those kind of girl that will gracefully accept everthing that you said that day and cry alone in the dark at home MYSELF? sorry, I not a xiao nv ren, neither am I going to tolerate your nonsense. you are too much. AND i don't feel your sincerity in your apology that day. you are just saying it cause you HAD to. I guess what affects me most out of everything now is that how could i ever EVER let you even close to my heart. All the efforts that I'd put in the relationship is seen as shit by you. SHIT. why should I always think in your perspective when you aren't worth me doing so; you don't RESPECT ME AT ALL. you are just imagining a perfect partner that will obey and go by your perfect imagination of what a perfect relationship would be like. sorry, I'm not the girl you are looking for. oh man, how can i get over this stupid feeling that I'm feeling right now. YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. you are contacting me now coz you are bored with your NS life. which makes me feel even more annoying over myself for being an entertainment to your boring NS life. YOU ARE JUST FINDING A COMPANION, YOU DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE ME. ARGH!!! I FEEL SO STUPID!!! ARGGGGGGHHHHH!! no wonder you said all those words, coz you don't like me for me, you wanted me to be YOUR TYPE of girlfriend, NOT ME. mother fucker. i really wonder this feeling was generated from extreme sadness or over extreme hatred. Tell you the truth, we can NEVER be friends again. So I hope God tells you to stop messaging me and stop contacting me as if nothing happens. Something happened, and it's not going to go away. I will remember all the stupid moments the moment I see you, all your messages are only telling me one thing "YOU ARE BORED OF YOUR LIFE AGAIN". why do you only message me when you are having night duty? coz you've got no one else to message to right!? coz you hope that i'll entertain you again right? no way, i will not do it anymore. i will not be mercy with guy like you who treat me like shit. what a MCP asshole are you, you son of a bitch idiot. Do you know I seriously find you weaker than me? You are not capable in many aspects yet you are trying to act MCP? not that i cannot accept a MCP guy, but at least you should make me feel that you are more capable than me before i can "submit" to you. but no, you are a MCP without capabilities. And I can give in to you as much as i can tolerate, coz i feel that one can never get the perfect one that you really want in life. but THAT DAY you went overboard, stepped over the line, INSULTED ME. ok, that's it. GAME OVER. you happy now? since it was a mistake to you after all. since you said "if I really liked you that much, I would have ran after you that day when you ran away." oh ho, MCP. fine fine fine, don't expect me to entertain you ever again. EVER EVER. i'll TRY to smile if we inevitably meet someday, but don't expect me to be friendly or even cared about how you life's going coz I DON'T CARE EVEN IF YOU DIE.
please leave me in peace. I just want to get over it. get over this stupid feeling, AND STOP THINKING ABOUT WHATS DONE AND OVER. ARGH! WHY DOES IT AFFECT ME!!